And Orihime never had another surprise party
by Midnight Kyuubi
Summary: You wouldn't want to have one again, either, if you walked in on two of your VERY male friends, tangled with each other, completely covered in chocolate....Wait, chocolate! RenjiIchigo, Semi-AU, Oneshot.


A Renji X Ichigo story

**A** Renji X Ichigo story

**M **for **M**an, RenjiIchigo is hawt!

**S**et: I guess ya could say…um…after the Soul Society/Rukia retrieval arc, in some weird ass way. I watched a few Bount arc episodes though. (Heh, episode 60-something or so had me in hysterics when Ichigo tried to make Renji take off his gigai. That episode had me screaming 'Boy Love!'…in front of my little sister!) So, yeah and blend that up with a little of the Arrancar arc, and ya got my freaky little AU-ish setting.

**D**isclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of its characters, but damn it, I would chew off my left foot and shave my head for just one go at Renji! All those tattoos, yummy washboard abs and silky hair!! Whooo!!

**B**y: Midnight Kyuubi

**N**ote: This is my first RenjiIchigo fanfic, so I hope ya enjoy. I literally pulled this story out of no where… I wrote it the day after Thanksgiving…last year! Then for some dumbfuck reason, I decided to edit it, and then I eventually wrote it over. So, this is the endin' product…

**S**econd note: Uh, yeah, I didn't know when the hell Orihime's birthday was, but I don't think I'll make much of a difference…yeah, the story now….

…_**A**__nd Orihime never had another surprise party again…_

**I**chigo Kurosaki stood in the middle of Orihime's kitchen surrounded by various ingredients. Today, it was her birthday and he was given the task of baking a cake for a surprise party. The strawberry began, mixing everything together and turning on the oven to warm up.

He slid on Orihime's counter, a habit she had always scolded him about and waited. He drummed his fingers on his leg, rapidly becoming bored. Orihime had went shopping with Rukia, a distraction to buy time, leaving him four hours to get her party together.

His cell phone rang and he grabbed it. A bang echoed from the front door and he dropped the phone, heart leaping to his throat.

"Rukia? Are ya here?"

Ichigo growled, rolling his eyes as Renji Abarai shuffled in, arms full with bags. The redhead sat them down, noticing the mess on the counters.

"Oi, Strawberry, what t' hell are you doin' here? You ain't Rukia."

Ichigo let out a curse, seeing that the drop knocked his battery out.

"Figured that out for yourself? She, Tatsuki, and Orihime went shopping. What the hell's up with you barging in like that? Nearly gave me a heart attack…"

"I came to help, asshole." Renji stood aside the sink, staring at Ichigo crawling on the floor like a dog. "What are ya doin'?"

"Well, before you did your retarded imitation of a rampaging bull, I was baking a cake. Now, I'm looking for my cell phone battery. What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"Oh, I have my reasons…" Renji smirked, walking over to the pan that waited to be placed in the oven.

"That's pretty girly, don't 'cha think? Bakin' like a woman." he taunted.

"If that's so, don't eat it, dumbfuck."

He dipped a finger in, tasting it just as Ichigo rose, whacking his orange head on the cabinet.

"Ouch, son of a bit—hey, what the fuck are you doin'!"

"Damn, it's pretty good." he muttered in disbelief, doing it again. Ichigo tried to make a grab for the pan and Renji picked it up going to the other side of the kitchen.

"Give it back, Renji! Stop being an asshole!" Ichigo snarled, dashing off after the tattooed redhead.

"Nope, ya gotta catch me first." He grinned, flashing sharp teeth. They ran around the kitchen, Ichigo's face growing flushed in anger. As Renji turned to gloat again, the toe of his shoes caught and sent him down, pan flying up and landing on his head. Ichigo froze, tawny eyes widening at the mess.

"Shit…wait, Ichigo… calm down…"

"What the fuck, Renji? Rukia's supposed to be here in a few hours. How hell can I make another one in time?"

Renji glared at the floor, batter sliding down his face and sticking into his hair.

"It ain't like I meant to; we'll hurry 'n make another one."

Ichigo sighed, mumbling under his breath. "Alright, come on, let's clean it up." They both settled to mopping and drying the sticky mess off of the floor, in nearly companionable silence.

"Argh, shit, damnit!"

Ichigo glanced up to see Renji growling, rubbing the batter in his face roughly.

"The crap got in my eyes! Damn, it burns." Ichigo stared for a couple of minutes, and then almost immediately began laughing.

"Just go and clean yourself up…I have the rest." Ichigo ordered between chuckles. Renji gave him the evil eye, leaving a cake trail behind him.

Fifteen minutes later, the orange head was back to mixing a new cake. Renji reappeared with a towel slung over his shoulders, and a sour expression in place. Ichigo glimpsed up and froze, eyes widening at the sight.

The redhead's long hair was down, a few wet locks framing his face. His tan tattooed abs glistened with water from the quick shower. Ichigo was snapped out of his gawking by Renji, who cleared his throat and gave him a scrutinizing look.

"Don't ya think you're addin' too much sugar?"

Ichigo jumped, blood rushing to his face as he corrected his mistake.

"Shit…"

"It's okay. Ya must gotta lot of things on your mind t' make a slow mistake like that." Renji teased.

'_Yeah, a lot of weird-assed things…'_ Ichigo nervously grabbed the pan, Renji's attempt to rile him up clearly going over his head. It slipped right out of his hands.

Before he could pick it up, a tan hand shot out, getting it before him.

"Here." Renji muttered.

Ichigo nodded then froze as Renji leaned against him, hips settling against his backside. Damp hair brushed his cheek as Renji's chin laid on his shoulder.

"R-renji…" he stammered out, face darkening even more at his voice.

"Damn, you're tense, calm down. 'M just watchin'." Renji drawled, breath warm on his neck.

'_Calm down?'_ Ichigo thought, trying not to notice how Renji's hips were _on_ him, how he could feel Renji's lips against his neck, hot and moist yet very soft.

His mind was running rampant at Renji's close proximity. Ichigo had unfortunely forgot that Renji was one of those type of people who were at ease, not natter the situation. Most of the time, when he and Renji were civil around each other, it didn't bother him.

But then again, there were times like these, when Ichigo enjoyed the closeness little _too_ much.

Renji was _way_ taller than him, anyway, so what was with all the _squashing_ against him?

"Ichigo?" Renji murmured near his neck. A shiver traveled down the teen's spine, and he hoped Renji didn't notice.

"Hm?" He shakily poured the mix into the baking pan. He scowled, mentally cursing at himself.

"If ya don't mind me askin', how the hell did ya learn t' bake like this?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes, discomfort momentary forgotten. Renji backed up as Ichigo placed the pan in the oven.

"My mom used to bake all the time, before she passed. I used to watch and help sometimes, so I guess it just stuck, yanno?" Ichigo replied thoughtfully.

As he bent down, Renji couldn't help but stare at the small span of skin that showed. He licked his all-too dry lips, while Ichigo stretched, reveling even more delicate, ivory skin.

"Bakin' is probably the only thing I can do without burnin' the kitchen down."

Renji shifted, hoping that his pants were loose enough to hide his body's reaction to the young substitute shinigami.

"Yeah?" He mumbled, attention on something else entirely different.

"What to do now…?" Ichigo wondered, oblivious to his companion's lustful watching. He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Flipping it open, he noticed a missed call and voice message.

"Shit…" He frowned, listening to the message.

'_Ichigo, it's Rukia. Orihime's done with shopping and wants to come home, Tatsuki's trying to distract her, but we'll be there in about two hours. Sorry!'_

"Double shit!" Ichigo growled, slamming the phone down. Rukia had left that message about thirty minutes ago, meaning he had about an hour and a half remaining.

"What's up?"

"They're gonna be here in under two hours."

Renji rose tattooed eyebrows. "For real?"

"No, _pretend_." He sneered sarcastically. "We gotta go and decorate the front room."

Renji glowered, picking up several of his bags. "You're gonna get yer ass kicked with all of 'em smart-assed comments. I got the decorations in here."

"Yeah, yeah."

They proceeded to hang steamers up and blow balloons. Ichigo snickered, instantly evolving to full-blown laughter when the balloon Renji was blowing exploded in his mouth. Renji stood there, left with a bewildered expression.

"Ya think that's funny?" He huffed, a sour face slipping in place. Ichigo could hardly nod, doubled over in hysterics. He growled, tackling Ichigo on the sofa and straddling him. He tickled the teen until he couldn't breathe.

"Renji…get off…heh, you shoulda saw your face…stop it…you're heavy…!"

Renji grinned, hands going under Ichigo's shirt, trying to tickle him harder. Ichigo immediately felt the difference, and grabbed Renji's wrists, holding them still before his mind could run with more than friendly thoughts.

"Shouldn't a' laughed at me."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop." He gasped and tried to keep a straight face.

"_Promise?" _Renji pressed, crimson eyes playful. He broke the tenuous grasp, and moved his hands, accidently brushing a sensitive nipple. Ichigo moaned, quickly muffling it by biting his lip.

"I promise! Now get up, the cake could be burnin' for all you care!"

The redhead smirked and stood, letting the amber-eyed boy rise and pull his shirt down. He noted the unnatural flush as well as the awkward walk Ichigo was sporting while going to the kitchen.

"Y' okay, Ichigo?" He asked uncharacteristically observant as he picked up the mess they had made in the room. "Never woulda thought ya for t' ticklish type.

"There's a lot _you_ don't know about me." Came the snapped response. Renji rose an eyebrow and walked into the kitchen.

Ichigo was standing over the cake, scowling so angrily it was almost a pout.

"Y' sure?"

"Yeah." Ichigo sighed, going over to grab a can of icing and candles. It was no use getting pissy at Renji. _He_ wasn't the one having twisted thoughts at _innocent_ teasing.

Renji stared, but decided to shrug it off. He usually had a hard time keeping up with Ichigo's teenage mood swings, even _if_ he was the reason for said mood swings. He pulled his shirt over his head, messing up his now dry hair.

It was a little bit _too _quiet for Renji's tastes, so he stood behind the brooding Ichigo again. He watched him ice the cake, trying to fight temptation but failed miserably. A finger quickly came out to swipe the icing off of the knife. Ichigo froze, then elbowed Renji in the gut good-naturedly. Renji chuckled, lips rolling against the perceptive skin of Ichigo's neck. The younger shinigami softly groaned, frustrated sound only audible to his ears.

His mind was sending him all kinds of warning signs. Stupid _I-don't-understand-the-principle-of-personal-space_! Renji was playing on the line of a strictly platonic friendship, unknowingly. His skin tingled, and he quivered to shake off the cloud that threatened to fog his consciousness.

"So…" Renji began, breath tickling his ear.

"So what?"

"'S just me an' you, huh?"

Ichigo frowned, face conveying his confusion. "Yeah, what about it?

"Nothin', just sayin'." He trailed off, but Ichigo caught the feeling it was more than _nothing_. He gripped the knife tighter.

"_What?!"_

"It's just that there's never really been a time when it was just me an' you, without Rukia or somebody else t' tell us t' shut up, or t' stop fightin'. That's all I was sayin'." Renji's voice took that odd suggestive tone again.

It was almost like Renji was trying to tell him something, and he was just being too thick to pick it up. All the beating around the bush was grating on Ichigo's last nerve.

"Look, I don't know where you're gettin' at, but just so you know, we only fight because of you." Ichigo informed.

Renji smirked. The conversation was going the way he'd planned for it to go, as he was more along the line for a _confession_ of the sort, but….

"Why? 'Cause of my dashin' good looks?"

Ichigo choked, nearly chopping off his finger in surprise. _'How the hell did he…'_

"No, you ass! Because of your I.Q level!"

"Sure…whatever ya say…" Renji assured lightly.

"Fuck you, you bastard!"

Renji frowned, but his eyes were still laughing. "What 'cha gettin' all defensive for?"

Ichigo took a ragged inhale of breath and shook his head. So, now Renji wanted to play _mind games_, huh? He tried to keep up the firm belief that after today, Renji would go back to being an annoying asshole—not that he wasn't already—but that was beside the point. After today, Ichigo wouldn't, not even for the _slightest_ bit, be having those _types_ of thoughts about Renji.

"Nothing, just forget about it."

With his new resolve in mind—didn't he already have enough of those, as it was? Ichigo finished the cake, Renji moving back to allow him to place the cake on a cooler surface. He then began a frenzy of cleaning up and checking the time.

"We got about twenty minutes before they come." Renji nodded, hoisting himself up to sit on the counter.

The young shinigami sighed. He was tired and confused, and that wasn't a good combination for him. He felt like some comfort food, right about now.

Ichigo was aware of the dark gaze on him as he rummaged in a bag. He wanted to turn around and ask Renji just _what_ the hell was so interesting. On the other hand, he didn't feel up to it. With the strange way Renji had been acting lately, who knew what would come out of that mouth. Ah, his hands made contact with what he was looking for.

"What's that?" Renji asked. Ichigo ignored him, and had a seat on the smooth surface opposite of him, mysterious bottle in hand.

"What is _it_?" The redhead pressed. Ichigo looked up, annoyed.

"I was gonna save it for Orihime's birthday cake, but I forgot."

Renji stared blankly. His inquiry was answered though, when Ichigo brought the bottle to his mouth.

_Chocolate sauce?_

'_Straight from the container, no less.'_ He decided to just file this off in his _weird-shit- Ichigo-has-done _box and out of mind. He was even more disturbed when the boy started mumbling to himself angrily.

"…Stupid party…_I_ didn't wanna help _anyway_ but _no._ '_Come on, Ichigo, it'll mean a lot to Orihime-chan.'" _Ichigo mocked in what sounded remarkably like Rukia's voice.

"Er…is that good?"

Ichigo snapped from his low tirade.

"Yeah, it's alright, helps when I'm stressed." He offered with an embarrassed shrug. "If I'm really worked up after fightin' a hollow, a bottle of this calms me down." He held it out towards him.

"Want some?"

The redhead shook his head no, but almost regretted it right after. His eyes glared at the bottle in envy as Ichigo's lush lips wrapped around it. The expression that crossed Ichigo's face could only be described as pure bliss. Renji had never been much of a chocolate fanatic, but now he was suddenly in for a fix.

"On second thought…" He crossed the kitchen and stood in front of Ichigo. His head tilted just a bit to the side and his eyes lowered enticingly, casting a spell over the boy.

"Yeah, give me a _taste_." The voice was way too suggestive to be normal. Ichigo's mind went straight to the gutter.

_Stupid mind…_

"N-no, get your own. Ever heard of personal space, dumbfuck?"

"But _I _want _yours_." That was the last straw on Ichigo's sanity. He flushed brillantly, hands clenching into fists. A stream of chocolate shot up and slapped Renji on the cheek.

"Ah─sorry?"

Sanguine eyes that were mischievous went from shocked to cross in two seconds flat.

"What th' hell, Ichigo? Give me the damn bottle!" Renji reached for it fast, trying to pry it from Ichigo grasp.

"Stop, asshole!" Ichigo growled. Renji scowled, and gave the bottle a firm squeeze. A brown spray spattered on Orihime's pristine cupboards. Ichigo fought the childish urge to go _'ooooh'_.

"Look at what _you _did! They're gonna be here any minute now!"

Taking advantage of Ichigo's outburst, Renji yanked the chocolate sauce out of Ichigo's hands.

"Ha!"

Chocolate splashed on Ichigo's neck and shirt, dripping to puddle on the floor.

"You bastard!" He fumed, and lunged at the taller man.

They rolled on the floor in a heap, tousling for the poor bottle. Ichigo snatched it away, and forced the contents on Renji's pants. No surface, save for the ceiling, was left bare as the fought. Sitting on Renji's stomach, scrubbing the last of the sticky mess into his hair, was how the girls found Ichigo and Renji when they walked in.

Orihime, Rukia, Tatsuki, and Chizuru stopped, taking in the cake, then the stained cabinets, floor, and walls. Finally, their eyes landed on the chocolate drenched guys tangled on the ground.

"Er…surprise?"

Rukia came to first, and dragged Ichigo up, then Renji in an angry grip.

"Ha, _surprise_?! Oh, I'll give you a damn _surprise_! We spent the entire day trying to occupy Orihime-chan, just to arrive to this!"

"Her kitchen looks like a warzone and you two look…look─ _gah_!" She shoved them down the hallway, ignoring their protests. She switched gear and turned her furious scolding on Ichigo.

"I can't believe you, Ichigo; you're supposed to be the responsible one. I would have at least expected _you_ to have some common sense."

She glared up at Renji. "And you, you ignoramus! I should beat the snot out of you! Why are you always getting into it with Ichigo?!"

In a blinded rage, she catapulted Ichigo and Renji headfirst into the bathroom, locking it from the outside.

"And stay in there until I think you can get along!"

Rukia stomped back to the kitchen, noticing even more people staring awestruck at the mess. Orihime finally came to.

"R-Rukia-chan…you didn't have to throw Ichigo-kun and Renji-san that hard…"

Chizuru blinked, daze falling away. "Wait, wasn't that the hot redhead Ichigo was all over at school?"

Tatsuki scowled. "Yeah, so what?"

"I thought they were brothers."

The athletic girl rolled her eyes. "No, that was a stupid misunderstanding. Why do you care?"

A disturbing grin broke out across the spectacled lesbian's face. Everyone cringed.

"I was just about to say that incest has gotten pretty fucking sexy!" She nudged Orihime's arm. "Right?"

"_Insect_s?"

"No, honey. Like two siblings getting it─" The remaining explanation was muffled by Tatsuki's fist as she gave her perverted classmate the old one-two.

"Die, you degenerate! Orihime-chan, don't listen to her! She's depraved!"

The petite raven haired shinigami smiled forcefully, a creepy contrast to the death mask she wore earlier, and directed the steadily growing group of partygoers to the front room.

"So, how about that surprise party?"

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

"Owww….son of a bitch….that girl has serious anger management problems; I can't believe we just got manhandled by someone half our size!"

"I can." Renji muttered and slipped of his shoes, taking Rukia's threat to heart. Who knew how long they would be held prisoner in the pink bathroom? And was it _pink_! The rugs were a soft furry bubblegum shade that matched the shower curtains, towels, and soap bars. It looked as if a cotton candy bomb had exploded in the room.

He wasn't about to sit on the rugs and smear chocolate all over them—he didn't need anymore death threats from Rukia. So he didn't, instead pulling back the shower curtain back and moving to sit in the empty tub. At least there, he could clean his mess up.

"What the fuck are you doin'? You're not about to take a _bath_ while I'm in here!" Ichigo yelled angrily.

The way he saw it, him being locked up in the bathroom and nearly destroying Orihime's kitchen was completely Renji's fault. If he hadn't pushed up against him like that and spoke in that appallingly husky voice, Ichigo wouldn't be here in the first place.

"Calm t' fuck down! I'm just sittin' here until Rukia lets us out. I ain't gonna sit on that rug and get my ass beat by Rukia and that crazy human chick out there."

"You mean Tatsuki?"

"Yeah, whatever. She looks like she'll kill someone over Orihime-san. I ain't fuckin' with her." He leaned against the rim of the tub and stretched his legs, which wasn't that far.

"Ya better sit down somewhere. From the sounds of t' party, it seems like we're gonna be in here for a while."

Ichigo couldn't help but to feel a bit miffed at Renji. The redhead was acting like nothing had happened between them. He huffed moodily; what exactly _had _happened between them? Maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing.

His eyes caught a dark streak of chocolate smudging Renji's cheek, dangerously close to full pink lips, recently moistened by an equally pink tongue…

'_Wait..._' He scratched that last thought out. Something _had _to have happened between them, because he wasn't supposed to be having those types of thoughts about stupid, annoying Renji. He just couldn't put his finger on it yet.

A scowl contorted his features. He didn't have type to contemplate on things that he didn't even understand. He roughly kicked off his shoes and went to sit on the furry pink toilet.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Renji warned.

"Why the hell not?!"

Renji sighed, giving him an _are-ya-sure-ya-ain't-slow_ look. Then he gave a pointed look at Ichigo's clothes.

"Okay, I get what you're saying, but I'm not standin' up the whole damn time."

"_Of course yer not…_" And Ichigo wondered if standing up wasn't such a bad idea, after Renji's mouth spread in an odd lecherous grin.

"…Ya can sit right in here with me." He offered carelessly.

"_Hell no_!" Renji flinched, covering one ear with a hand.

"I'll stand forever if I have to!"

"Fine," Renji shrugged and tilted his head to the side, a crimson slash of hair covering his eye. "I guess ya must be scared or somethin'."

Ichigo felt his jaw hit his chest, anger and something akin to embarrassment flushing his cheeks.

"What?!" He yelled. "What does not wanting to get it there with you gotta do with me being scared?"

"Just sayin', I mean, it ain't like I'm gonna go and blast it out to the nearest crowd. Ya think _I_ want ya t' sit up in here with me? Just stop screamin' an' sit down, dumbass."

From the satisfied smirk Renji was giving him, he could tell Renji could tell that he was going to give soon. Ichigo sighed.

"How am I supposed to fit?" He forced out through clenched teeth.

"Here." The redhead gave Ichigo an innocent face as he spread his legs. "Ya can fit right here."

Ichigo swallowed his curses, feeling tricked for some reason. He climbed in, face doing a fair impression of Orihime's towels, and sat rigidly.

"I can't fit, Renji." He hissed awkwardly.

"Sure ya can." He assured lightly, too lightly considering the uncomfortable situation. "Just lean back. You're too fuckin' tense."

When the orange haired shinigami didn't loosen up, Renji give an exasperated sigh, wrapped his arms around the slim waist, and pulled him against his chest.

"Renji?! You—"

"Shaddup and relax." Renji was clearly amused at Ichigo's embarrassment. The dark flush accompanied by a pout—he wouldn't dare call it a scowl—was fascinating.

Ichigo's body betrayed him and melted against the larger, warm one cradling his. He huffed, painfully embarrassed. But he couldn't help but lay his head on Renji's shoulder, forehead bumping softly on Renji's chin. And worse still, Ichigo actually didn't mind the arms holding him tight.

On the other hand, Ichigo wasn't going to admit that to Renji of all people, or even himself for that matter. So as an effect, the silence was thick in the room.

Renji broke it; he had the object of his dreams practically snuggled against him. He would be a fool to pass this opportunity up. The surprise party was still going on strong, no sign of interruptions, so what better time was it to make those hidden affections known.

He albeit reluctantly, removed an arm from Ichigo's waist and held a lock of hair in front of his face. Ichigo looked up curiously, small blush intact.

'_Gotcha…'_

"Look at this; it's gonna take a long time t' get all of this chocolate out." He huffed in faux annoyance.

Ichigo pursed his lips, rolling his eyes. "It's your own fault."

"How so? Ya were th' one who squirted me first."

"Yeah well, I wouldn't have had to, if you didn't…didn't…" Ichigo trailed off, blush ignited.

"Didn't what? What'd I do?" Renji egged on. Ichigo glanced up and was met with an amused smile.

"Fuck off, you jerk! You know what you did!"

"Seriously, Strawberry, what did I do?"

Renji sighed, slight movement chasing a shiver up Ichigo's spine. A couple of seconds passed by before a smooth cheek pressed against his, nudging his face up.

"Was it when I asked ya t' sit inhere with me?" He questioned in that deathly low drawl. Lips curled into a smirk against his face, and Ichigo struggled to find his voice.

"W-What are you goin' on about, Renji? Stop askin' stupid questions."

"It ain't stupid." Renji whispered, or could have anyways. Everything and every sound was muffled because of the loud, nervous rush crashing in Ichigo's ears. This was unfair, and all around fucked. Ichigo was so very near strangling himself with a pink towel.

Renji's lips skimmed over the length of Ichigo's neck and a breathy sound followed. That when he decided it was time for a little bit of his own personal divine intervention—Ichigo wasn't going to shut up unless he did something. They didn't call him a Death _God_ for nothing, did they?

Renji captured the boy's earlobe with his teeth and sucked on the soft flesh. The taste was better than he would have thought.

"Renji?! What the hell?" Ichigo tried to yell, but what came out was entirely a different story. It had that same shameful breathless quality from before, yet it seemed louder, or was that just him?

'_What the hell is Renji doing to me?'_

Renji answered that silent, decidedly rhetorical question with another nip to Ichigo's lobe, accompanied with a small lick. Ichigo shuddered, another mewl breaking free from his mouth.

"S-Stop it..." Ichigo half-heartedly pulled at the arms holding him captive. But really, he had nowhere to go when he was locked in, indefinitely.

"I don't think ya want me t' stop," murmured Renji between the kisses he planted across Ichigo's jaw. He stopped at the corner of Ichigo's mouth.

"We both know if ya wanted, ya could 'a push me away. You're strong enough. Now," Renji slipped his tongue slowly across part of Ichigo's bottom lip. Ichigo's heart thudded quadruple time. At this rate, Renji was going to do something extremely embarrassing, like sticking his tongue in his mouth or…or something like…like…

_Kissing him…_

"Would ya hit make if I moved one 'a my arms?"

The younger shinigami tried to work up a scowl, a hopeless effort. Not only did Renji have him whimpering like some damn _submissive_, but had rendered all of his life long experiences of frowning useless.

"Hell yes! I'm gonna punch the shit outta you, and then I'm gonna cast-mphf!" The rest of Ichigo's threat was smothered by Renji's lips. He hadn't even noticed Renji had moved his hand, and nudged his head so that their mouths met.

_Some shinigami reflexes he had._

Renji traced down Ichigo cheek, and used the pad of his thumb to push his mouth open. He outlined the moist skin, roof, and hollows of the warm orifice, sucking lightly with his tongue. A deep moan pulled form the back of Ichigo's throat vibrated between their lips. The redhead leaned closer, ravishing the orange-haired teen's mouth even more.

Tastes, spicy and cloying, were exchanged with such fervor that when Renji ended the kiss, a thin strand of saliva broke from their connection. His maroon eyes followed the trail, landing next to puffy dark lips. Renji closed in again, swiping the streak away, and pressing his mouth, this time gently. Ichigo mewled, eyes drifting shut. Their mouths laced together slowly, as if they were long–time friends, reunionated after hundreds of years.

Their separation was even more deliberate, unknowing if they would join in such a wanton lock again. Ichigo wondered why hadn't he ever felt this good before in his life. It was everything and more he could have wanted in a first kiss. He wanted to do it again…until he remembered just _who_ had kissed him so passionately.

"R-Renji?"

"Yeah?" The older shinigami replied in a husky voice that matched his hungry crimson eyes.

"…castrate you as soon as I get my hands on Zangetsu. You're gonna wish you never fucked with me."

Renji smirked. "But I ain't _fucked_ ya, Ichigo, not yet anyway."

A dark scowl covered Ichigo's face as his reiatsu flared dangerously. He clenched his free hand tightly.

"Renji?" He murmured softly.

"What?"

"Hold still."

But before Ichigo's fist could make contact, the hand that was cradling his face moved down, squeezing the hard bulge there firmly.

"_Nghaaa…"_

"Hm, I don't 'member this bein' here. Care t' explain, Strawberry?" He leered, brushing his hand to palm Ichigo's erection. The orange head keened, hips arching up involuntarily.

"T-This is—_ahn_—c-called s-sexual harass—_haann_—harassment in the h-human world…" Ichigo mentally stabbed himself with an imaginary zanpakutou. Sexual harassment was the best he could come up with at a time like this?

He'd fought Renji twice—once nearly cutting him in half—and he couldn't even tell him to stop touching him? Renji wasn't even _armed_ this time.

"Well," Renji pressed the flat of his hand against the stiff cock, smirking when it twitched through tight pants. "In Soul Society, we call this _willing objection."_

Ichigo make a weird noise, half between a scoff and moan. Was Renji trying to confuse him even more with that absurd oxymoron? It was starting to make sense as Renji rubbed him through the fabric of his jeans. One of his hands was free, but he made no move to stop the shinigami. He didn't want Renji to be touching him so intimately, but he wanted to be fondled like this, feeling heated breath bathing his neck and white hot pleasure shooting up his frame. _Willing objection_ indeed.

His legs parted, opening himself up to more of the unwanted craved sensations, and as a result, his mind shut down, damn if this very attractive _man_ was holding his hard dick. The same man who annoyed him to no end, but was one of the few people he could trust unconditionally with his life. He was clever, despite what his rough and lazy drawl suggested, and very powerful. Powerful enough in fact, to have Ichigo—and he _knew_ he was damn strong—like putty in his hands..._hand_.

Renji's mouth attached to his again, right below his ear, and sucked harshly. The tingle from Renji's attack incapacitated him, and he wasn't aware when Renji slipped a hand in his pants until it touched bare skin.

"_Ahhh…_"

The redhead pulled from the bright love bite he made, and concentrated on getting Ichigo off before the boy realized what was going on. His grasp tightened as he pumped once, then twice. The shudders coming from the parted lips encouraged him even more.

Ichigo lifted his hips up, meeting the firm grip that brought him closer and closer. He didn't know just what the hell was happening, but he knew it felt _damn_ good and he wasn't going to stop now. A thumb brushing the underside of his length brought him raising more to the skilled touch. Renji would have smirked at the substitute shinigami, if his teeth weren't grazing the base of Ichigo's neck.

He had expected Ichigo to react in someway, but he hadn't anticipated Ichigo would respond like _this_. Ichigo's eyes were vivid and wild as he rolled his hips up and down, and the sounds escaping the moist mouth ran along the line of broken complaints and hitched moans. He knew when Ichigo came to, he was going to be in for the worst ass kicking of his life, but for now, he could care less.

A couple of talented squeezes and tugs in the slick hold, and Ichigo was reeling, coming with one long throaty groan. His orange head flew back as he shuddered; exposing his neck to some more soft sucking kisses. Slowly, his hands loosened from the tenacious grasp he'd caught the rim of the tub in, and his body slumped back down to Renji's.

He dully felt the press of an erection against the small of his back, but he ignored it as he came off of his intense ride. Lips caught his in one final union. Renji just waited for the loud outburst sure to come.

With a sigh, Renji grabbed a pink face towel, and wiped the sticky mess off of his hands. He dragged the wet cloth across Ichigo's lower belly, smirking when the boy gasped. At last, Ichigo spoke.

"That's Orihime's towel, y'know." He informed softly.

"Yeah, well, it was either this or lickin' it off."

Ichigo's nose scrunched up cutely and Renji had to fight the urge to kiss the tawny-eyed teen again. It was a losing battle; he chastely pecked Ichigo on his supple mouth.

A frown marred the young shinigami's face. "Don't think I'm not pissed off at you right now. I'm too tired to kick your ass."

Renji smiled evilly as he rezipped Ichigo's jeans. He clasped the button with a snap.

"That good, eh?"

Ichigo seemed to pale and flush at the same time. "No, you jerk!" He yelled, only just able to hold back from stuttering.

"I'm only sayin', I wanna be fully energized when I castrate you."

"That castratin' crap again, huh? Ya wouldn't do it."

"Oh yeah?" Ichigo's body yielded more into the hard, yet comfortable chest. His lush lashes fluttered as he fought back sleep.

"Wait and see…"

The red haired shinigami snorted. "Yeah right."

A couple minutes of silence passed.

Renji glanced down. "Strawberry?"

There was no answer, just a soft, barely audible snore as Ichigo drifted off.

"Stupid." Renji muttered, affectionately nuzzling the soft shock of hair.

"Now, what th' hell am I gonna do with this damn towel?"

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

"Hey, Rukia-chan!" Tatsuki called after everyone finally cleared out from the party. She, the black haired shinigami, and Chizuru had stayed after to help clean. Well…Tatsuki and Rukia did, Chizuru said she had to give Orihime a _special_ birthday present—whatever the hell that was…

"Are you gonna let Asshole one and two out?"

Rukia smiled as she remembered her friends. Her anger had faded away little while after she had threw them and locked them up. Now that she looked back on it, seeing them covered in chocolate like that was pretty amusing. The outcome of Orihime's kitchen wasn't so much though.

She sighed, that was going to take forever to clean up.

With a click, Rukia unlocked the door and peeked in. They weren't even speaking, just standing there, Ichigo with flushed cheeks and a scowl. Renji was leaning against the sink, staring at the younger teen with an odd expression. She blinked; had she opened a door to an alternative reality where Renji and Ichigo weren't at each others' throats?

"Um…is everything okay?"

Ichigo scowled even darker. "Nothing my fists and Zangetsu can't fix." He growled, glaring pointedly at the tattooed shinigami.

"Okay…Renji?"

Renji shrugged. "Nothin' ain't wrong. I'm cool."

"Of course _you_ are, pervert!" Ichigo stomped out of the bathroom. He marched to Orihime, and pulled a package out of his pocket.

"Here's your present. Happy birthday, Orihime, and sorry 'bout the mess."

Orihime blushed as she opened the package. A silver necklace holding a pink rhinestone flower shined up at her.

"Thank you, Ichigo-kun! It's gorgeous!"

She glomped him hard as her delight consumed her. As she squeezed Ichigo, she didn't notice the red haired shinigami glaring at her heatedly. Rukia glanced at Renji and frowned.

"No problem, Orihime." Ichigo smirked as he patted her back. It seemed as if she liked his gift. "How 'bout I help you clean up the kitchen, too?"

Before she could reply, Renji grabbed his wrist and tugged Ichigo behind him as he made his way to the door.

"Actually, me and Ichigo got some things ta talk about. See ya." He turned and shot Orihime a sharp look. "Goodbye, _Inoue-san_."

The girls blinked after the retreating boys, confused at the rudeness lacing Renji's tone.

"Okay, so_ what_ the hell was that?!"

"What are you talking about, Tatsuki-chan?"

"Tell me you guys just saw how Tattooey copped a 'tude with Orihime-chan!" She waved her arms at the other girls angrily.

Rukia made a face. "I saw that. Renji was back here giving her the evil eye the whole time."

The auburn haired teen gave a spacey giggle.

"It's okay, guys. It doesn't bother me. I—"

"It bothers me. Stop acting like it's fine!"

"But really—"

Rukia sighed. "It kind of bothers me, too. I mean, what have you ever done to Renji?"

Up until now, Chizuru had been ignoring them, but now she cut in the conversation. _This_ was one certain subject she knew well about. She snorted, interrupting them.

"Psh, duh! The tall redhead was jealous! Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out!"

The short haired girl shot Chizuru an annoyed glare.

"What?"

Chizuru looked to the ceiling. They didn't understand _anything_ about guys.

"He was jealous. J-E-A-L-O-U-S!" She emphasized.

"I know how to spell, idiot. I meant jealous of what?"

Rukia's eyebrows lowered. "Not of Ichigo hugging Orihime-chan. I don't think he likes her like _that_."

The bespectacled brunette sighed, thoroughly frustrated. "Not of Ichigo! Of Orihime-chan!"

"Eh?"

"Oh my god, are you all dense?! Did you guys happen to forget that _very _comprising but also sexy position we found them in?"

"No, but—"

"But nothing!" Chizuru was up and jumping on the sofa trying to make her point. Everyone cringed yet again.

"Get to the point!" Tatsuki snapped, crossing her arms and waiting.

"Renji's got a thing for Strawberry, you morons!"

"No…" Rukia shook her head and tried to clear the image Chizuru's speech conjured up. "No, no, not Renji, not Ichigo. They can't stand each other."

"Exactly! All that passion they have had in hating each other could have evolved into an entirely _different_ passion, if ya know what I mean." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"I've had enough!" Tatsuki facepalmed the crazed lesbian. "Don't pay any attention to her, Orihime-chan!"

"It couldn't be…" Rukia looked confused as she denied Chizuru's accusations. But, they _were_ always fighting, which could be an excuse to get their hand on one another. And what about that weird look Renji was giving Ichigo, or why was Ichigo blushing, and he _did_ call Renji a pervert. Oh man, she had a headache now…

"Stop worrying about it. Those two aren't lusting for each other anymore than me lusting for that pervert right there." Tatsuki assured her.

"Now, let's finish cleaning. Orihime-chan, you finish the front room. Rukia-chan, you can do the bathroom, and I'll go and start on the kitchen. And you Chizuru, why don't you find a rock to crawl under and die!"

The girls split up to there respective places, save for Chizuru still doubled over on the floor. Rukia shut the door on her disturbing thoughts, and saved them for later as she walked to the bathroom.

"What the hell where they doing to the tub?!"

_That_ didn't help with Chizuru's _secret lovers_ suspicions. She sighed and began scrubbing. After she was done, she moved to the tie up the trash in the bin, until something caught her eye.

"Eh?"

It was a towel and…

"Guys, get in here!" Rukia yelped.

Tatsuki charged in first, followed by the rest of the girls. Chizuru's eyes zeroed in on the towel as she identified the mess on it. She gasped, a blush quickly covering her face.

"Damn, looks like I missed some serious guy on guy smexing up in here. Told ya so!"

Orihime frowned innocently. "What is it?"

The athletic girl finally figured out what the stains were with much horror. She held up a shaky finger.

"That's…that's…that's…ewwww!"

It finally clicked in the petite shinigami's head.

"No...no…no…no…no…sweet heaven's no…"

"I don't get it, what is it?"

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

"Renji, I'm gonna give you thirty seconds to explain just what the hell your problem is, before I kick your ass!"

Ichigo yanked his wrist out of the shinigami's grasp as he gave him a toxic glare. He had almost had it with Renji.

First, the redhead flirted with him, and gave him beyond weird ass thoughts, Then he got Ichigo in trouble, conned him into getting in a tub with him, and then he…he…well, Ichigo didn't even want to recall what happened after that.

Renji was about to be in for a can of ass whooping and whole lot of agony on the side.

"Well?!" He growled. "And stop fuckin' staring at me, am I that interesting? Wait, don't even answer that last quest—"

Yet again, he was silenced by Renji's mouth. The redhead pulled him closer, and twisted his fingers in the orange tresses. As he kissed Ichigo into a stupor, his free hand trailed down, and fastened itself snugly around Ichigo's waist. From there, he focused on the hot mouth moving uncertainly against his.

Ichigo had a taste like no other, Renji pondered as his tongue tangled with the substitute shinigami's. He knew it may wreck Ichigo's 'tough' reputation, but who have known Ichigo tasted like one of those carnival-style caramel coated apples.

Renji pulled back with a highly satisfying smack as he took in Ichigo's state. Those light brown eyes were dazed and disconcerted, and his face was flushed most attractively. His eyes scanned down to those swollen pink lips, parted as Ichigo sucked in some much needed breath. If he'd known Ichigo would look so much like _sex_, he would have jumped the orange haired teenager much, much, more sooner.

Thoughts were being processed with the efficiency of being brain-dead at the time in Ichigo's head. Every time he tried to get things straight, Renji smothered him with steamy kisses. The cocky smirk on the taller man's face brought back some much delayed anger.

"That's—that's just what the hell I'm talkin' about! Stop doing that!" He spluttered loudly, pushing away from the arms that kept a steadfast hold.

"Why? It's not like ya don't like it." Renji countered.

"What?! That's not the point here. You can't up and decide to k-kiss me whenever you want to!"

"So, ya like when I kiss ya?" The redhead asked, obviously canceling out any other of Ichigo's protests. Ichigo colored darkly.

"I never s-said that!"

"Oh, but ya _were_ thinkin' it." A sultry grin spread across Renji's mouth as he closed onto the younger shinigami again. Ichigo panicked.

"Wait!" He yelped, and knocked his forehead against Renji's nose. His chest rose and fell frantically as he raked his mind for a way to get away from the touchy-feely shinigami.

"What 'cha do that for?" Renji growled, clutching his nose.

"Stop makin' me do weird shit!"

"I ain't makin' ya do nothin'! I'm a shinigami, not a mind controller. Ya keep respondin', that's like fifty fuckin' green lights tellin' me t' keep goin'!"

Ichigo scowled. He was finally at the limit on how much bullshit he could tolerate a day. Carefully, he cleared his face of any anger, and leaned forward, looking up at Renji through his thick eyelashes.

"_Renji…_" He breathed, seductively charming the shinigami.

The redhead blinked, but couldn't help but lean closer. His eyes fell half mast as Ichigo's candy apple scent flooded his senses.

"Yeah?"

"Hold still." And before Renji could catch on, Ichigo clocked him right square in the nose. He dropped like dead weight.

"You had that comin' from that hand job! And—" His foot connected with Renji's stomach. "That's for kissin' me five—fuckin'—times!"

"You…counted?" Renji wheezed, holding his bloody nose and bruised belly.

"No!" Ichigo screamed, face reddening darker than ever. He emphasized that with another swift kick, and Renji was down and out for the count.

"Fucking pervert!" He snarled, angrily stomped away from said pervert, left prone and bleeding in the middle of the street.

Ichigo knew he may have escaped Renji this time, but that man was one of the most stubborn people he knew. He still wasn't too sure on what to expect from now on between he and renji, but he knew one thing—

"This type of shit only happens to me!"

—He sure as hell wasn't sleeping with his eyes closed anytime soon.

_End_

_Dazed _Twenty pages and almost 7,400 words…I'm crazy…

Ah well, this baby is finally all posted up _tear_ I'm so proud! So, um, what do ya think? (What do _you _think, drarythoughts? My writing has changed a shitload, eh? You likey? Cause ya know this is the farthest any guys in my stories have gone, smut wise—yeah, I know, that's sad—but review, wench! Obey!! Just kidding, you know I be lovin' you long time! _laughs_

There will certainly be a sequel; I'm already on the second chapter! I know Ichii-kun kinda uke-ed out along the middle, but that was intentional. He'll be kicking ass like the badass shinigami he is in the next fic—though, I kinda thought it was funny.

**Ichigo**: Yeah, real funny, you bitch! Can you please tell me why I wasn't able to go all shinigami on Renji's ass?!

Ah, yeah…you left your badge at home, anyways, ya liked it, shaddup!

Um, I'll like to thank all those kick-ass Akuni fics I read, as well as others—you hadn't read Akuni's RenjiIchigo fics? Get your ass there (after reviewing, ya know) They are GOD worthy!! They were worthy muses, too!

Thanks especially to drarythoughts, I love ya, girl! Thanks for turning me on to the yaoi fandom, even though it was gonna happen anyway! xP!

Props to all the music I crunched through: D-Tecno Life-UVERworld, Ichirin no Hana- HIGH and MIGHTY color, the WORLD and Alumina-Nightmare, Asterisk-Orange Range, Thank you!- Homemade Konzaku, and too many t.A.T.u songs to type down!

So, I'll shut up now, I appreciate reviews highly, and I will show my gratitude!

Much Love!!


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